I think that the most challenging part of parenting is finding a consequence that suits your child. I know, this seems like such a “trivial” matter in the current world of drugs, sex, and disrespect but I think that an effective consequence is key to raising kids.
After all, isn’t that what discipline is- teaching that there are consequences to behaviours? A reaction to an event which lets someone know that the behaviour is wrong, yet leaves them with their dignity in tact so they want to be better, not bitter? It is not spoiling, it is effective. As a therapist, I often hear stories of how discipline at school or home shamed and destroyed someone’s sense of self. That doesn’t help a child learn to be a great adult, it teaches them to be a bully.
The challenge then is how to find an effective tool that works as a consequence for your child.
So far, there are things that we have found to be ineffective for all three kids:
- yelling (never ends with solution and sends everyone else scattering from the table!)
- grounding (I don’t like being stuck monitoring it and end up feeling like there are two prisoners in the house.)
- taking away their extracurricular activities (the kids often end up appreciating the down time, which actually isn’t a bad thing.)
- sending them to their rooms (bedroom are no longer present the isolaion they did when we were kids.)
And, here are the things that have been effective for all three children:
Herein lies the problem. What is an effective form of discipline for one child does not necessarily work for all of them. I have heard stories from other parents that taking away TV or video games works across the board in their homes, but for us, there has neven been a “one size fits all” solution.
Kurt and Tyler are easy to discipline. They find the phrase “I am disappointed in you” overwhelming. And frankly, they take ownership of mistakes and tend not to argue which, I have noticed, leads to less need for a consequence.
Then there is Kennedy. While she does very little wrong, when she does get corrected it is her response that gets her into hot water. Ahhh, the phrases of a teenage girl, the eye rolls, the dismissive laugh … all are certainly great lessons of the need for patience.
But the best part of parenting Kennedy is that, when presented with a consequence, the acts as though she is immune to discipline and that the consequence has no effect on her:
- Go to your room- ”Ok” and off she goes.
- No going out- “Ok” and she happily stays in.
- No TV- “Ok” and she happily turns it off.
The list goes on and on…… until this morning!
After a series of typical mother-daughter exchanges which ended with Kennedy deciding to leave the room to end our conversation and laughing at my parenting “wrongness” I said to her: “You know what Ken? I don’t want to make your breakfast or lunch when you treat me like this.”
Kennedy- silence….. then…… “what??” in a meek, quiet tone.
No fighting. No threats. Just, no lunch. It worked! Turns out, Kennedy likes me making her lunch. She likes the variety and even the way that I pack her lunches. She has even told me so.
I then proceeded to jump around the kitchen like Sally Fields yelling “She likes me! She really likes me!!” which created laugher and a sense of fun.
The point of the consequence was to stop the disrespect. It did. And, she left the house 20 minutes later happily giving me a kiss! If I would have yelled and made her lunch, that would not have happened. She would have been mad at me and wouldn’t have seen the value of a respectful relationship.
Next time it might not work. In fact, knowing Kennedy it probably won’t. But for today, there was success and I will celebrate and put it into the archives.
Cheers!
Michelle
